Where Are You?

I wandered around the fairground. Looking, looking but not finding. I know he’s here. I saw him not ten minutes ago. Where did he go?

I decide to go up on the ferris wheel. I can search for him when I reach the top. Up, up I go swinging to and fro. All alone, couples on every other car but me. I’m all alone. Up, up I go until I reach the top. I swing my legs and stare out at the sights before my eyes.

The sky is full - full of pinks, reds and purples. I know that it will soon turn to black when the sun finishes slowly sinking. I have to find him now. When it gets too dark I may never find him.

I lean over the bar and look down, way down. I forget for a minute that I’m afraid of heights. There he is I see him over by the bumper cars. I have to get down now. I have to go to him. He is my everything and I can’t live without him. Hurry, hurry let me down please. Now, now I need to get down now!

Where is he going? I’m up here, up here. Don’t you see me? Can’t you hear me? He’s standing under the roller coaster. I keep screaming his name at the top of my lungs. “Tommy, Tommy, here I am. Look can’t you see me?”

He’s not even looking up. Why won’t he look at me? The ferris wheel is moving again. I run, run as fast as my legs will carry me. It’s almost as if I can fly. No one is getting in my way. People seem to ebb and flow with my flight. I hurry, hurry but alas he’s gone. Why won’t he wait? Why doesn’t he stop until I reach him?

Now I have to run, run again. I look everywhere. Where did he go? There he is, no that’s not him. Over there. No not him again. I need to find him. I need to find him soon. He is my all, my everything. I can’t live without him. I have to find him.

I run faster. Faster and faster. I’m running in circles. It is getting so dark. So very, very dark.

There he is. He is so sad. The look on his face makes me want to cry. Why is he sad? What is the matter?

I reach out to envelop him in a hug but my arms just go right through him. “Tommy, Tommy why can’t I touch you? Why can’t I hold you? Hold me, Tommy, please hold me. I need you to touch my face and let me know it’s all okay. I need you to make me warm.”

What is he looking at? Why is he crying? What’s that on the ground? Why is Bill holding Tom up? He’s sobbing. “Tommy, Tommy I’m here. Why won’t you look at me?”

Why can’t he see me? What is wrong? Why can’t I touch his perfect face? Why can’t I kiss his beautiful lips? Why can’t I hold him and tell him its okay? Everything’s going to be okay.

Will it be okay? What is that on the ground? It…it looks like me. How can I be lying on the ground when I’m standing right here? What’s happening?

Everything is fading, fading, fading, fading. Darkness is covering my face like a shroud. He is starting to fade from my eyes. Why? Why can’t I bring a smile to that striking profile. What is happening? Why can’t I see?

It’s so dark and so cold. Please can you get me a blanket? I’m so very cold. Ah, I think I’ll sleep now. I feel like I could sleep the sleep of the dead. “Tommy, Tommy, I love you.” He is sobbing uncontrollably now and I can’t help him. “Oh, Tommy, I’ll be back, I’ll be back.”


“Why Bill, why? It shouldn’t have happened. I wasn’t holding on tight enough. I couldn’t stop her from falling.”

“Tom, it’s not your fault. There was a malfunction and she was ejected. Not your fault, not your fault.”

Their voices are drifting away from my consciousness. I am getting warmer and all fuzzy. Almost like I’m drunk. I think I’ll just drift off for awhile. “Tommy, Tommy wait for me. I’ll be back.”

But I’ll never be back, I realize. I will never be able to hold my Tommy again. Never be able to feel his strong arms around me, never feel the touch of his lips on my forehead, never feel his fingers tracing patterns on my arm.

I will never know what life could have been. I will never hear my heart beating, never feel it pounding so hard when he touches me. Never hear his sweet voice singing in my ear. Never see his quirky smile lighting up his face when I walk into the room.

I…feel…myself…drifting….drifting…into oblivion. “Goodbye, my love, I will watch over you and keep you safe. Remember I love you.”

I kiss his cheek one last time. He has a look of wonder on his face. He feels his cheek with his hand and starts to cry again. “Goodbye my Tommy, goodbye. I will wait for you in heaven.”